Escapades and Accolades

In the flavor of my meta-meta generation, I'm going to post about why I'm not posting about myself.

I guess I don't have much to say and I never get the kind of responses that I'm looking for anyway. I originally started posting out of a need for survival; I had nothing left to fall back on, and I had no one close enough to me to confide in who would sympathize with me the way that I wanted, so I would throw out some post bemoaning my miserable circumstances. For the record, they were miserable. My failures with woman and the constant pace that I endure have shaped me and pushed me beyond encapsulating my feelings in a sorry post. I've always wanted to share my life with people, but I'm not a very good communicator unless I can spend time thinking about what I want to say, which makes writing my ideal medium. The majority of my best writing has been put up here and those are the ones that no one responds to.
I don't know what I expect out of people. I put them in boxes and hedge their responses to things only favorable to me. I expend so much of my mental energy imagining ideal circumstances where everyone loves me, accepts me, respects me, and (key word) responds to me how I want. Is this okay? Is this acceptable? My anecdotal and conversational experience has told me that everyone does this, but does that make it right? Does it serve to abuse my imagination in such a manner?

I am well aware of how self-centered all of this must sound, but once again, remind yourself that we have been raised and socialized as the meta-generation. Everything we do, think, say, want, desire, pursue, and believe has consequences that we constantly trace back to ourselves. What do you think? What do you want? How does this make me feel?

I post about myself, and hope for edifying responses from people who will agree with me. But I overlooked something. Everyone is posting looking for responses from people who will agree with them. The internet is an amazing thing. We all have our own little chunks of it, but we are all supposedly inter-connected. Is this the case? I don't feel connected to someone in Russia simply because I can access his myspace page and read about his Slovic escapades. Escapades... you'll notice 'escape' in that word if you look hard enough. Maybe that's what we're all trying to do; we're all trying to escape. Escapades and accolades... we're just looking for escape from our circumstances and approval from people we love. That's what this 'blog was all about. I think that's what I really wanted from people: approval. That's why I want a girlfriend so bad. I want to know that someone agrees with me and approves of my growth, wisdom, and change; that someone agrees with what I do, think, say, want, desire, pursue, and believe.

6 billion people on the planet and I am a single voice contributing to a discourse that will ultimately destroy itself. What really connects us as human beings in need of society? A handshake and six degrees? I am a voice, small and quiet though I may be, I am a voice who seeks accolades from a generation based upon escapades. If I can get the x-box 360, I'll be happy. If I can sleep with this girl, I'll be happy. If I only had a laptop, then I'd be happy. I need this CD, it's my favorite band, and they make me happy. If I can go on this trip, I'll be happy. If I can only learn to love my family, I'd be happy.

If people would just approve of me, I'd be happy.

So where does this leave me? The context in which this question is delivered would make a discourse analyst squirm. I am asking myself a rhetorical question in a venue created for and maintained by me for my thoughts. A question which I cannot answer, but continually expound upon for my own benefit! Where, in the above discourse, does that leave room for the voice of another person?

I don't know where this leaves me, just like I didn't know where that train of thought would lead me. Yet here I am already feeling like I've come full circle leaving another post on the internet hoping that another single voice in the shouting of 6 billion will approve of me. But where else did I expect it to lead and leave me? What else can meta-posting accomplish, but make you look back on what you just looked back on?