The weight of His lessons
Most people who know me, know that I hate the wind. So having it blow all around me last night as I was taping a bag over the gaping hole that used to be my passenger side window was an experience characterized by "putting salt in an open wound." The bag was flapping all over the place tugging at the tape and threatening to tear away from my car, while my hands were freezing from the wind, and my neck was being assaulted by the freezing drops of rain racing hither and thither because of the stupid wind.
Someone broke into my car and took my school bag because maybe they thought there was money in there. Nope, no money, only my school bags and my tax information I forgot to mail that morning. So some scoundrel has my social security number and my account number.
Ever since I started following Jesus, life has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I hate my life, and I don't think it should be that way.
The weight of the lessons Jesus has been trying to teach me over the last few years are absolutely crushing me. Last night, I was so frustrated I told him to leave me alone. I can't take it anymore. I need time to put myself back together again.
I hate this. If it's not one thing, it's the other.
Connections of '05 was one year ago today. There was where I got the image of the gospel and how it was for everyone. I wanted to follow Jesus, and I made up my mind that he and his message was worth my time and effort.I get back to Reno and within one week get some message from the ER in Reno telling me that I owe them 300 dollars from my visit to get my UTI taken care of. Not to mention, I was going to be kicked out of the dorms in three weeks, so I had to get a job to pay for living somewhere.
I start working security. I am placed at the most dangerous property my firm was contracted by, and it was my first day on the job. So while all that was happening, I'm still trying to finish that semester, move out of the dorms, move into some place else, make it to my other job, and make it to security for full time overnights.
I finally finish that mess and so begins the worst summer of my life... I'm working two jobs, and never seeing anyone. My friday nights are spent alone recooperating. I am depressed and exhausted and most days I am okay because I think that I will be able to quit security when school starts and I'll be able to use all this money I have saved up. Not quite. At the end of the summer, 5 weeks before I step into my role as a Bible Study leader, I get into a car accident and all the money I had saved up is all put towards buying a new car. My parents say that they can help with half of the car payments, but then my brother gets into two car accidents two weeks within each other and so all the money goes to insurance. I, as I have always been forced, must take care of this alone. So the school year starts with me still working two jobs to pay for my car and my apartment. My classes are hard, but are made worse by my terrible schedule: 18 hour days, 17 hour days, 21 hour days of constant motion. I swear I aged two years in the last six months. Throughout this time I feel like God is putting me through the fire for some reason. Many times the dam breaks and I yell and scream at him wondering why he is making this so hard. Then there was the girl... Once again, God destroyed what I thought was the truth. I got my hopes up and was let down (and cold and alone) again. The semester ends, and I come away with all A's and one B+ (kind of insulting actually), and one of my good friends became a Christian through a mini Bible Study I was doing with him on the side. That was all pretty cool. This semster starts with me losing my Millenium Scholarship because of a messed up grade that read F instead of my well-deserved A. I have no money and have to deal with the sting of an F after all that time and effort. I felt like none of it payed off at all, so now what little morale that I had has been taken away from me and I am now miserable (and poor) again; and I am doing it all on my own (without feeling like anyone gives a damn) again. When it looks like I will finally get my scholarship money back and get back on my feet, I find out that all the time I had been waiting was for nothing because somewhere along the line my change of grade form had been lost. About this time, I found out that I won't be getting any money from my taxes, rather will have to be paying 200 dollars instead. This is, of course, more than I can handle and I am pretty much sick of God at this point. All this time, I am running on nothing, not momentum or adrenaline, my emotions, my spirit and everything else has been completely destroyed because of the last six months -- I had been going without any rest, but still holding onto hope. Getting a simple homework assignment done is impossible and loving God and what He has done is damn near impossible because I can't seem to see past any of what he has brought into my life -- suffering. I remain faithful to my Bible Study leader commitments even though it feels like I'm just going through the motions and I go to Connections. I'm not sure what I hope to learn there, but I know that something should happen because it's such an amazing place and the Holy Spirit loves it there. While I am on the island, my Scholarship money finally gets through and I am able to get back on my feet financially; however, spiritually Connections did not put my back on my feet, it made things worse for me, and I leave knowing that I need to drop out of leadership becase I can't lead anyone with the way God and I are interacting. Connections reveals to me once again just how many problems I have trusting God because of the way I see him. I get back to UNR, and the situation is only worse spiritually for me. I still cannot seem to find God, and I still cannot seem to accomplish anything worth remembering or saving academically. This weekend rolls around and my car gets broken into. My bag is stolen and with it all of my tax info that I had spent time preparing. This is pretty much the last straw at this point. I can't take anymore of this and still feel like God loves me. Why is it the first time I step out in faith, the ground beneath me crumbles and I left with broken legs, but still forced to walk, and wonder, "Is this even worth it? What about all the joy I'm supposed to get? Where's that?"
I'm ticked off at God right now. I start trying to serve him, and all of this happens. It begs the "question" -- Why am I doing this? Am I paying for something I am not aware of? What am I not getting? Am I just being winey, or does all of this suck enough to merit my asking, "Why the fuck is all of this bad stuff happening to me?"
Is this the end of something? I have been praying and holding onto the hope that Jesus is better than all of this. This has been the worst year of my life, and it hasn't been because of things that I did, it's been because of where God has taken me.
He has broken my heart.
I can't deal with anything else. I've been praying the whole time I've been writing this. I've wept and told God that he lied to me and that he hasn't protected me. This goes deeper than the crap that has happened to me this year. I'm also thinking about all the unhappiness that has come from my childhood as well. I find myself wondering why God did all of this to me? My childhood up to this point... somewhere in there I got serious about following Jesus and became a Christian, but then as soon as I act out on that everything goes wrong...
why?
posted by Maturity @ 5:21 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
First off Jaij I'm really sorry for what happened. That really really sucks. I don't know what God is doing right now in your life. Thinking about your circumstance has made me kinda reevaluate the things that God does, or the things that we attribute to God but are perhaps just products of the crazy free-willed world that we live in. Made me think of Paul's skepticism in regard to my flag-wavin' whenever somethin' good happens in my life. And to be honest I don't really know anymore. Catherine pressed me with something to the effect of "If God is behind every single good and bad thing in your life, then what does that say about all the people in the world who are raped and murdered and tortured and starved and who yet still have their faith?" And to this I couldn't really provide an answer. If faith alone really did protect us from the powers of this world then I would imagine there'd be a lot less suffering and a lot more belief. People would start to catch on to the fact that somehow, Christians have the lowest rates of disease and discomfort when compared to all other segments of society. But it isn't so. We're all fallible. We're all exposed to the same dangers, regardless of our creed. And I guess the only thing one can do when something really good happens is be thankful and continue on in faith. Not make it such a "a Ha!" moment and just meet it with gratitude. Likewise when something truly bad happens I wouldn't look to it with too much resentment towards God. I know that's easy for me to say because this incredibly crappy thing did not happen to me, but I would just submit to you, "If not you, then who else?" Thankfully you can meet this with yet more strength and use it as yet another stepping stone in your faith, but just remember horrible things happen every single day - it's a tremor of the quake that sent this world spinning in the first place. They happen to people all the time; we're bound to get caught up in it, if not more so because of the fact that we actually have something that can be attacked. We're extended, which makes us all the more meaningful a target.
In short (too late I know), I wouldn't take this in too great a context. I also wouldn't read too much into it on the part of God. Yeah, it wuz an unbelievably crappy and flukey thing that happened, but I don't think God is out there hunting after you. When all else fails, just remember the old cynical standby, "It could always be worse." And it could, so remarkably so. The best thing you could do right now is meet it with faith, work through your frustrations but not constantly beg the question of "God, what are You trying to do to me?" Too often you view your life as this big journey where you and God sit down every day and work on this vision of you as a "man" and all that. Just try living. Pray and talk to God and vent but don't try and look to God for answers or directions as to what kind of man you're becoming because you do that alot and quite frankly, I think God just wants you to live right now. Very often we fail to realize who we are until we're looking back and we see how much we've changed. Just go with that first. You'll find out who you are and where you're going soon enough. As for now I'd say just be.
Howdy JJ, I am not christian nor do I know you all that well but Paul pointed this out. I don't know if you saw that last quote I put on Mor's blog but it helps me when I am down. Also this does to:
"But when you search for HaShem your G-d, you will find him, if only you seek him with all your heart and soul."
Parsha Va-Ethannan, DVARIM 4:29
and this one:
In G-d is the gravity that holds me together
In G-d is the orbit in which I am spinning
I see the stars and I remember to remember
Inside my pain is the seed of my strength
G-d is my life,
In G-d is such excellence!
In G-d all fade.
It all fades into G-d.
(All fades Into G-d,
Rickie Byers & Michael Beckwith)
All I know is surrendering yourself to Hashem is not easy. Infact it's the hardest thing you can do, but like your parents have told you before I am sure, "The hardest things to do are often the most worthy." I have found that to be true so far, but I also believe I possess no knowledge, just lessons I have got from life. So no advice from me, I couldn't give any concerning your faith or even mine just nice words and know that we don't know all the answers but Gd does and he loves us even if sometimes he feels he needs to show us a little tough love. :D Do this is not my idea of a cure for what ails you but maybe it is a like chicken soup or something comforting?
Thank you both for commenting. I've been having a hell of a time, and I need to write more to get things out.
It's not just the broken window, it's everything leading up to and including the broken window. I can't wrap my mind around how horrible this year has been.
As far as this just being the world: I don't buy that. I gave my life over to Jesus, and he said that I am in the Father's hands, so this is not simply the world sucking, this is God teaching me. I've tried that old cynical standby and it doesn't hold up anymore. Of course it could be worse right up until you're dead, but even then there are about 200 ways I don't want to die. I know this is God and I know this is him teaching me so that if I am ever the one being tortured for my faith I may look to him and say, "I love you still." If you're a Christian, this world cannot direct you; you can let yourself be directed, but the Bible makes it clear that you are in God now, no longer the world. Yes, this is God, and yes this has driven me to my knees, not in the way that makes me want to pray, but more out of exhaustion where I pound the ground out of frustration instead of pound my chest and scream for salvation.
I don't need a father figure who puts me through tough love -- past readers of this blog know that my childhood was not fun and not full of love. If this is tough love from God, then it's an overdose; it's salt in a wound. I don't trust God because I don't trust father figures. Then God goes and mirrors the kind of love that I received from my father when I was little... he is rebreaking a bone to set it, and I'm looking at him with tears in my eyes and I'm asking him, why?" Can't he tell that this is causing me great pain, doesn't he know that I needed him to overdose on love rather than destroy what was left of my spirit?
But then Jesus has made it clear time and again that I have never known what I needed.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with because it's uncovering old wounds that have never quite healed. I follow and choose Jesus because he's supposed to wipe every tear from my eye, but right now he's putting them there, and that's very hard for me to reconcile.
Last night as I found out my insurance deductable is more than whatever it is going to cost to fix this forcing me to pay every penny when I'm still a destitute college student was another crushing blow. It took EVERY ounce of my will power to pick up my Bible and start reading. I actually reached for it a few times, pulling my hand back because I didn't want to give God the satisfaction of my effort in this, but I picked it up and I started reading.
What you quoted, Tracy, is in the Bible as well. It's Jeremiah 29:13. I know that I am searching for God with all my heart, but the thing is, I have found him. He was also searching for me as well. While I may never understand him, I at least know that in Jesus Christ, he gave me a way to fall into him. Even if that means the road will still be paved with suffering... I just can't do this any other way. Even if right now, the way he is treating me is almost insulting I want to follow Jesus and trust that he will not lead me out of the Father hands because it is his actions that put me there in the first place.
I understand that JJ, some bad things have happened in my life. Things I am not suppose to talk about because they make others uncomfortable but when I was little some people did horrible things to me. I am not ashamed, I was molested, did I deserve it? No, I was 8! Did my mother or my sister or my cousin or my friends that expeirence it deserve it? No, no one does. But I know it made me angry for so long and it damn near crippled me. Gd gives us free-will and the people that hurt me, that hurt people are displaying that, reaffirming my faith personally. But I guess that is because my faith looks at those things differently. Gd didn't hurt me, a human did and then I continued to hurt myself and everyone around me until I surrender my soul and my ego to Ha Shem. This is silly but the other day I was headed to an interview and I had spent hours trying to look perfect and I got close. So I walk out the door and BAM! wind, dust everywhere! I rub my eyes smearing my eye make up, I struggle to keep my dress from flying up, my hair now is making me look more like a punk rocker than someone headed to a job interview. My mom had called earlier to tell me my sister my lose her baby if she kept working and that she(my mother has had cancer for a while) is up to her neck in debt of medical bills and didn't know what she was going to do so a lot of pressure was on me to get this job. I had missed breakfast, I was stressed, I was angry, broke so I couldn't grab something to eat on the way, but I made it to the car, turned it on and there was this song I absolutely HATE on and Paul had just had the car so it was at max volume blasting in my ear! And all I could do was laugh. I started laughing as my mail man looked at me like I was a nut. I thought of Gd and I said to him, "I get it, OK? I am laughing!" You see I think a big part of faith is to question it and Gd and Rabbi Soifer always says, "DON'T TAKE YOURSELF TO SERIOUSLY! LAUGH!" I think she finds it funny that I come in all earnest holding my comp book with all my thoughts in it. Now is rape, muder, abuse etc. stuff to laugh at? No, but what I learned so much from what happened to me although I would never wish it on another person. Before Ha Shem, before I knew about Judaism I was so hurt, angry and alone but when I gave it my heart I was happy. When I was catholic I was taught not to talk about these things, to ignore them and that some how it was my fault. No I know it wasn't. I realized all the mental anguish I suffered was because it was all bottled in. I started drinking and when I was drunk I would tell people all the details of what happened as that sat in shock. I never understood why I did that until I started to convert to Judaism, I wanted to talk about because at the time I didn't understand what happened to me and wasn't allowed to, and I wanted people to know that I was hurt and still hurting and was basically begging for comfort. Ha Shem has blessed me with letting me know him through Judaism and letting Paul into my life, someone that holds me, comforts me and let's me know it will all be alright. A part of me died then and a part of me is very much so still that little girl, but I am not afraid of her anymore. I let her come back and play and try to give her the childhood that was taken from her. Paul and I go play at arcades, and buy stuff animals, etc. Sex is sort of still a weird thing for me....but it always will be. That's the worst part, sex. I don't know what to make of it really. It's like a game, punishment, fun, scary, pleasure, and torture all at the same time. It's being powerful and being powerless. Basically though I try not to indulge in the un healthy things and try to...well you don't care about any of this. I should be asking Gd why he makes me ramble so much! I hate that!
I personally don't see Gd as a father figure because I don't believe Gd has a sex and that he is above things like that. I believe he is the creator of existence and an energy that connects us all to the universe...well in short. Basically I refer to Gd as Ein Sof or endless or infinite. But to each is own. I am honest believer that our ideal of Gd tells us more about ourselves then anything.
So like I said before I have no advice, I don't think people should give advice. I think we should just share stories and swap ideas.
I admire how you follow Jesus though and look at him as a teacher. That's cool. Forgive me for a lack of a better word than cool. Yeah, faith is like totally rad.
Actually, I believe you should talk about those things. The memories are there and they are horrible; I know. I don't hear my brothers cry at night anymore, which is nice.
I want to encourage you to keep searhing for God, Tracy. Never settle for an idea, or a philosphy, though. I think you should keep looking until you find a person.
I know that God is neither male nor female. The Hebrew people have many names for God and all of them reveal a different aspect of God's character. There are names that give God a feminie characteristic (I believe that one is Adonai). In the New Testament (Luke 19) Jesus weeps over Jerusalem and says that he has always wanted to bring the city close to himself the way a mother hen brings her chicks close to her. There are many times when God is given female characteristics, and there are many times when I have looked to God for love like my mother can give me.
I hate religion. The things that Jesus said and did are so amazing, but have become so convoluted by religion. I feel like Christianity is becoming a misnomer because I feel like there is such a push to get Christian morality forced onto people, but without the Christ.
But how do I explain to the world that Jesus is not a Christian? And am I comfortable enough with saying that?
The age old debate for me. How do I explain Jesus to people so that they understand his presence and sacrifice the way that I do. I know that I don't worship a philosphy, an idea, a religion, a set of rules, or a morality; I worship a man. But how do I make people understand that Jesus is different and that when Jesus said that he is the only way to the father he meant it? There will never be a time when I can answer that question. Love, I guess...
Anyway, I am rambling.
Well I am no good with words, so someone else told me what I was thinking....that sounds bad...but if you care to know here is my new LJ with thoughts on the subject http://lil-pink-star7.livejournal.com/
you can skip the first paragraphs or so.
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