So, I guess an update could be handy for those of you who desire such things. I know I like it when people update their live journals, so I'll update mine.

The two activities that I feel really defined my work ethic last semester, reading my Bible and working out, have completely vanished over break. I'm struggling with the purpose behind their vanishing. Is it laziness? Is it selfishness? Is it the Lord teaching me something? It would probably be that one regardless. Is it a lack of passion or direction?
You know, I really couldn't tell ya.

The passion to remain close to my Lord is still there, I think that the direction could have changed. I don't feel like God has given me a clear answer. I feel like it would be wrong of me to bull-headedly trudge on reading when I don't feel the Holy Spirit near. Preachers always stand up and shout how much we should be reading our Bibles, but often neglect how often we should be listening for His spirit as well. It's strange and difficult for me to keep myself open to spiritual guidance, but I feel God... and that's really it. I feel Him leading me places and I feel Him instructing me more in spiritual things now. Latey, I've felt silence from Him, which is why I am struggling with the purpose behind the absence of my Bible time. Honestly, I don't feel like reading my Bible right now will solve my problem. I need to be able to interpret the movements of the Holy Spirit and know how to listen, watch and feel for them rather then turn my head and glare at the Bible, angry at His silence.

Those two pillars of my work ethic were good and brought me to higher places, but as I stated in the previous post, I feel like my intentions behind the discipline were tainted with sin.
I don't know the "answer" or even if there is an answer, but I feel like sitting and waiting. I feel like letting God speak for Himself and be ready to respond when I feel movement. Perhaps this is what His "rest" is all about. The Bible talks about God's rest, and I definitely know that I have wanted to experience it - especially after last semester. But being such a task driven man has made this absence of work hard for me to swallow. I feel like this is all apart of God's healing. This ties into the deeper bloodlines of my soul, halting the flow of evil within. And I see how all of this could be answered prayer as well.

Right now, nothing is clear to me. I don't have any sense of direction, but I'm not really worried about it. I'm not looking forward to God guiding me into more spiritual white-water rapids or anything like that. I guess right now, I don't really feel like doing anything about my drifting; I'm just not worried about it. I fret over becoming fat and useless, but I was fretting over that kind of garbage last semster when I thought I was doing everything right and would finally get the girl.

On a seperate note that has nothing to do with the previous musing:
Lately, I have been super embarassed about being a virgin. I'm going to be 23 in a month and I'm still a virgin. It has never been a source of pride or shame for me; I have simply never really cared about expressing my active or non-active sex life. Back in highschool, and in the first few years of college, I was "holding" onto my virginity as if it were a priceless comodity (which I believe is true, or more precisely, refuse to believe that it isn't, but here's where it gets stupid) and girls were going to try and steal, take, grab, or nab it from me. All those damn "Why Wait" kinda things did was put inside of me an ignorant hostility towards anything sexual or non-virginal. As I look back on it, I can only characterize it by feeling I had to fight the rest of the world in order to stay "pure."
So here I am now, a blossiming adult having to deal with all the assumptions ingrained in me form my youth because of things like Whay Wait. In retrospect, I wish people had educated me about sex instead of making me fear and hate it. The church sends such mixed messages to its youth. The Bible talks about sex all the time, there is even an entire book in there about it, but here were are in the year 2003 and the best we can do for our youth is a program that makes them fear it instead of trying to teach them to understand and respect it.
Oh well, it's over with and I made it out of my childhood alive and only partially dillusional.


Most of the time I am overwhelmed with the responsibility child bearing must be.