Redemption

Last year, I got a chance to accompany someone on their journey to becoming a Christian. His name was Matt. His girlfriend just sent me this email.

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JJ -
It's Katie, Matt's girlfriend. He mentioned that you guys email
occasionally and I asked for your email address so that I could share
something with you. When Matt and I first started hanging out, I was
at church and my thoughts wandered a little to dating Matt. In my
confusion about feeling like we were being led into a dating
relationship, I said to God, "but he's not a Christian." God answered
me back, "He will be." And, I knew it was true. I also knew that as
he headed off for Reno, it would be a vulnerable time as well as one of
great opportunity for God to work in his life. My prayer was
constantly for God to be preparing a place for Matt in Reno including a
friend/friends that would encourage his search to know God. When Matt
moved into his dorm after training camp, he kept mentioning Inter
Varsity. Finally, I asked him if he wanted to go, and he said that he
would go if I came with him. I quickly agreed, and we made a plan for
that to happen. We walked up to the doors feeling a bit timid only to
be greeted so happily by you who mistook him -by crazy coincidence- for
someone else. Matt led us to seats a litte apart from the group, and
you joined us there. And so it began that he would be in your Bible
study, you would get him his first Bible, engage in a GIG, and give him
the push toward the leap of asking Jesus into his heart. You, J.J.,
were and continue to be the answer of a prayer. I thought you might
like to know.
~ Katie


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I post this because I feel it is important to let anyone know who reads this that God is slowly, lovingly, and happily rebuilding me. I chronicled the strife, perhaps now I will chronicle the progress.

This was my response to her:

You know when you're in the middle of an intense process involving God and you're sort of stuck in the middle of a roaring hurricane surrounded by swirling, violent images and sounds and you feel like God has abandoned you? Well that's mostly what I had been going through for the four months leading up to my meeting you and Matt. God kept me in that storm for another four months after Matt left and slowly, but surely God is building me back up.
Matt means so much to me. That night he decided to vocalize his decision was one of the worst nights of my life. It had nothing to do with him, but everything to do with the fact that it felt like I had been left alone in that storm. I remember calling Matt and leaving a message telling him that there was no way I could do the GIG because I was sick. I had a blinding headache (literally), and was seconds away from puking that entire night (curiously enough, all the ailments ended when Matt made his decision. Coincidence?) None of these ailments had anything to do with an actual illness, they were just symptoms of what was happening to me spiritually at that time. I text messaged my friends about 4 times throughout that day asking for prayers and help because I knew that I was absolutely incapable of being aware and devoted throughout the GIG. Around 7:30 that night a thought popped into my head. "Don't give up. Don't do it. You're tired and exhausted (from the two jobs, blech!) and have every physical reason to call it off. But you can't give up. Think about what you would tell someone else who was in your position. You would tell them, 'It's hard, but don't give up' Don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up!" And so I called Matt and half an hour later I'm eating dinner with him. Which was really fun because I finally found a guy who can eat as much and as quickly as I can.
The whole time that I knew Matt, I was in the middle of the worst circumstances of my life. I suppose the only reason that I was able to keep myself together was due in large part to your prayers and the spiritual steroids that God was pumping into me. After Matt left, I went through a really dark time, and was spiritually barely breathing. The weight of everything that God was teaching me had finally caught up with me, and I almost gave up. All of last year remains a very dark time in my life. As time passes and I look back on that time in my life, I will remember all of the spiritual strife that plagued my every decision and step, but I will no longer look over my shoulder. I will undoubtedly see those familiar demons around me. It will be like walking in an underwater aquarium. They will confidently pass by the glass, bear their teeth and try to whisper threats and coercions through the protection that God has belt around me.

However, I won’t be looking at them. I will happily be walking with the memory of Matt and his receptive spirit by my side when I think of those times. His memory kept me alive and grounded When things got worse a few months after he left and I almost gave up.

Your email is answered prayer on my end because when I think back to those times I still feel isolated and alone. Your email has freed me and let me know that I’m not alone and I was never alone throughout those times. God has been slowly healing me and rebuilding me after the storm he put me through. Your email is apart of that healing process and I thank you deeply for that. I love you both, and look forward to seeing you on Saturday!

Ciao,
JJ.