Voices
Sometimes I have voices screaming in my ear telling me to do what I don't want or need to do. One of them might be telling me to silence this and deal with it by myself. I've been struggling with internet porn lately. It's quite demoralizing. I've talked to the right people. The correct steps have been taken. It's just a matter of time.
It's the waiting, you know? You sit on a rickety chair in an empty room with paint chipping off the walls and squeeze your hands against your ears to keep them out. You sweat and hyper-ventilate. Your body shakes with strain tyring to purge the memories of nights spent by youself in your head where you are the king and you can make anything happen. You strain against the memories of body parts that you had no business touching, things you have taken, and things you have given. You remember the times you think you might be gay, or the times you think you will be a virgin for the rest of your life. And why? For what? What's left in this room except your own vomit?
"Remember when you were pure?"
Yes. No. You remember it even if you hide it. You were in that room with that girl and you were both 5. You didn't know what you were doing. You didn't understand. You played doctor, but how the hell did you know that a baby came from there? Is that when it all started? Is that when I first started having problems with all of this? What happened to me? I've never been pure.
I release you, Jesus. I release you into that area of my life. Please destroy the damage done by those memories, and the damage done in my ignorance. My ignorance soon turned into my idol. Please destroy it.
-----------------------------------------------------
A voice pleads...
don't judge me...
.
posted by Maturity @ 12:52 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
that internet porn'll get ya. just don't get into anything too freaky
On the topic of internet porn, I say go with it. I don't think sexuality is something that should be tied to morality. I don't think having unorthodox sexual fantasies or experiences makes you a bad person. But if the porn makes you feel bad, certainly eliminate it from your diet. I think you're an exceptionally well adjusted human being, for the record.
=Adam
Internet porn is something we've all struggled with; it's certainly something that I've had problems with for a long time. Sometimes when I am tempted by those desires, I think of some of the saints' lives I have read in which monks, situated miles and miles from any member of the opposite sex, were incessantly tortured by the thought of carnal desires. How much more difficult it is for us to resist these temptations with the internet around; it goes go to show that not all technology is progress. Would these monks, even though they devoted their lives to God, have been able to resist these desires even with such easy accessiblity to porn?
You are definitely doing the right thing in confronting it, though. I would respectfully disagree with Adam with regard to sexuality and morality--ignoring sexuality as a component of morality is an egregious omission. This will make an interesting topic for discussion on our camping trip. I'm praying for you.
-Chitwood
Adam, the issue here is not how moral sex is (in its kaleidoscope of forms), but how moral pornography is. Though it is true that pornography mimics sexuality in many ways, I don't think we should (or can) make the claim that pornography is sexuality.
I think the issue boils down to how we think about the men and women we see in porno. Very few of the women in pornography have what you could argue as a career (I imagine the number is higher for men). Many start as strippers who are coerced into being in a video. After a time they move on to other things. How are we supposed to feel about this coercion? How are we supposed to feel about those that are coerced only by their current situation and the appeal of easy money?
The issue is further complicated when you think of the many porn stars who own the rights to what they make. Are they being coerced or are they making smart business decisions? Even if you condemn pornography to save the so-called victims from their fate, what do we think about those who are victims only to their good business practices?
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