kill me or give me money so I can sit at home and study
I can't figure out what to write, or what to do these days. Sometimes, I'll just stand in one spot for like 5 minutes debating what I should do. I need to move and be done with school so I can be free to do more things. Increasingly, I find myself torn between the capability to do what I want, and the obligation to get my school work done. I'm so close.
There is so much going on inside me lately, but I can't get any of it out. I don't know if it's crucial for me to get this stuff out, but I just can't write what I really want to these days.
I wish I had more friends, or at least, I wish the friends I had shared more free time with me. We all get so busy and distant when school starts. I'm pretty bad at things as well. I haven't made a giant effort to stay in touch with people.
I don't even know why I write in this thing. My life feels so different from day to day even though I do the same things over and over. I can't believe tomorrow is Wednesday. I can't believe this week is almost over. Sometimes I feel like I'm in spiritual shell-shock. I just wish God would start blessing me. I'm tired of waiting for things, and I really want to get on with my life.
I dont even know what I'm saying. I don't even know what "blessing" means. I'm dissatisfied with existence in a big way. What would I say to God if I saw him face to face. If I saw him on Sunday, I would have swung at him, and he damn well knows it; I told him as much.
Sunday was a BAD day for me. I went to my room to try and write and the next thing I know I'm back to thinking about hom much hurt God brought down on me the last few years. Boy, I was mad.
Dude, I don't even feel like remebering this. I'm so sick of God. I wish he would just do whatever the hell he's trying so I can be normal again.
All this dissatisfaction brings something to question. What would actually satisfy me? I want to be done with school so I can get started with all of the rest of things that I want to do. I just want to do one thing. I'm moving up in the ranks at my job and that's cool, but I want so bad to simply be able to do one or the other: school, or the professional world. Just one or the other...
My mind immediately goes back to the injustice in all this. I am capable of going the distance academically, but the world and circumstances just won't let me. I'm tired of god screwing with my plans too. Man, ever since I let that guy in my life he's screwed with it.
I'm so tired of hating my life, and I'm even more tired of starting every reflective thought with, "I'm so tired of..." My like sucks ass. The problem is I REALLY don't want to be a teacher, but what am I going to do with a Linguistics degree unless I want to go to Grad School? I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE FOR A TEACHING DEGREE!!!!!!!!! I feel like the whole world in pressuring into deciding for one or the other. The only reason I would get a teaching degree is because it's such a utilitarian degree
Dude, I'm done. I'm defeated. I no no no NO NO NO NO!!!!! I'M NOT DONE! Fuck this. I'm going to finish my shit because I can and because it would be a waste for me not to! I can do good things for people, and I can finish my degrees. It's common knowledge by now that no one's getting in line to give me a hand out or a hand up. Fuck, not even god is reaching out to give me one of those even when he says he's supposed to. no... I know god cares, or at least I'm so committed to the idea that I can't or won't think of anything else. If God isn't helping me, then I truly have nothing, and that isn't a place I want to go. Yeah, things are hard, and really, no one is rooting me on. It seems like a bunch of shit that I want to get these degrees for him... well do I? Which ones are for him? I don't know. That's why I'm going to Urbana.
I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. I just wish someone would help me. And I just wish I would stop losing battles. I'm still, as ever, an emotional wreck.
posted by Maturity @ 8:09 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
JJ, I've heard you say these things before, and I was going to say something on Sunday when I saw you but I didn't because you didn't even expect to see me there and I valued your space but I need to say something so here goes...
You're nearly done with school. Yes, the last year is a bitch, but it's just one final hoop to jump through before it's over with. Every person I know close to graduation feels what you feel in that regard. After that, you can go overseas as you'd planned and explore things (the world/other cultures/yourself).
You have a well-paying job where you are respected and appreciated by both your coworkers and your students.
Despite what you say, people ARE rooting you on. I know I am, I know everyone I know is. Perhaps we don't tell you that enough, so let me be the first one to say it. I want you to succeed and I'm rooting you on.
When I look back and think of the events of your life as I know them, I wonder what's is the difference between now and not too long ago, when you worked two jobs, were involved in Intervarsity, maintained friendships, and found satisfaction in it all. I remember constantly seeing you after you'd had but two hours of sleep, studying your ass off between working two jobs and finding time to get in some quality excercise, yet you did it all with a patience and grace I have never been priveledged enough to see in person. This is a far cry from the, and it pains me to say this, angry and bitter person I see now. What is different between that time and now?
Is it about that thing we talked about with the guys at 4am on Sunday? If so, then blaming God for it isn't going to get you anywhere. You said yourself during breakfast that morning how God could not have sent you a clearer answer than the one he gave you just an hour before, especially given how recently we'd spoken and prayed about it. I understand the answer may leave you mighty pissed off, as it should, but getting angry at God accomplishes nothing. I don't understand how you can be mad at God for something like that.
I'm telling you this as a friend and a brother in Christ. I'm praying for you, buddy.
Even though I rarely see you anymore, I love you, J.J.
Sorry, I should have included:
-Adam
I may have a response to the topics in this post later, for now, I will speak of something else.
A few weeks ago I purchased Foucault's introduction to The History of Sexuality, after being prompted (in no small part) by your moral objection to masturbation. Likewise, prompted by my (heated) debate with Tracy, I scrounged up a book detailing not what Deconstruction is (since all texts on the subject read like so much negative theology), but showing it at work (and it's not an "ism" so, my bad).
With these book in hand, I continued on in search of a way to understand Deconstruction. While I may not be there yet, I did come across something that (I think) has some relevance to your issue with masturbation.
First, the quote:
"According to Derrida, Western thinking is characterized by the 'logic of supplementation', which is actually two apparently contradictory ideas. From one perspective, a supplement serves to enhance the presence of something which is already complete and self-sufficient. Thus, writing is the supplement of speech, Eve was the supplement of Adam, and masturbation is the supplement of 'natural sex'."
Well now, I think both you and I can point out at least one binary opposition in that list. Given that, you may know where I'm headed.
Continuing:
"But simultaneously, according to Derrida, the Western idea of the supplement has within it the idea that a thing that has a supplement cannot be truly 'complete in itself'. If it were complete without the supplement, it shouldn't need, or long-for, the supplement. The fact that a thing can be added-to to make it even more 'present' or 'whole' means that there is a hole (which Derrida called an originary lack) and the supplement can fill that hole. The metaphorical opening of this 'hole' Derrida called invagination. From this perspective, the supplement does not enhance something's presence, but rather underscores its absence."
Masturbation can't be thought of as a derivitive of "natural sex" because because the latter term isn't complete without the former. Without masturbation, "natural sex" is incomplete.
I'll leave it to you to determin what ramifications this idea (may or may not) has on the morality of masturbation.
Post a Comment
<< Home