Poetry dump.

Most of my poems are always these little twirling thoughts that whisp around in my head the way a cotton does in the wind. If I have a pen and paper handy I will write them down. Occasionally, I'll expand on them, but usually not. Sometimes I think I might not be that bad if I were ever disciplined enough to edit my work. Cut me some slack! My goal for the last third of this summer is to shave every morning. Shoot, editing my work would be like climbing frickin' Mt. Everest.

-----


Lord, guide me through this night
My headlights ain't workin' right
I been listenin' to Siren Songs
that be pullin' me away
Had my eyes licking things
that won't last past the day
-----


Fasion me into a limber, keen-eyed
fighter
w/ hungry eyes ready to spring
and sink my teeth into
the haunches of holy things
------

-This one especially you'll like-

You're a plarpy one, God
whimsical smiles, and frovaled feet
walking you to the next frablibdy hug
------


Lawdy Mercy!
I'se stinkin' up the place!
Ears stuffed with pride
Eyes covered ambition
Mouth bound up w/ hubris
Lawdy Mercy
I'se all confusticated!
Feet rooted in ignorance
Hands tied w/ indecision
Body soaked in holes o' regret
Lawdy Mercy
My shit's all kinds a fucked up!
Been singin' the same ol' song
Been doin' twenty years long
Been tryin', then lyin', then sighin'
I been listenin' to myself twenty years too long.
------


If there's nothing to say,
we can always just say the silence
Let the hair fall in front of your face
and let me feel the smooth skin
around you shoulders and neck,
around your hidden curves.
If there's nothing to see
we can always just be
the lowlight.

I want you.
-----


Your love for me sprints past the horizon
longing to carry me palces new and incredible.
Though the mountains crumble,
Your love for the nations will never die
While there are horizons to be chased,
Your love can almost be measured
While there are atoms to be counted,
Your mercies can almost be counted.
-----


Many times and many lies have seen me through this far
but many times these many lies have only brought
tears to my eyes
Many times these many lies
are the only things my hand have touched
Many are mine of the words of the lies scorched raw
in my savvy flesh
Many times these two eyes long for something new and true
But many times these menacing lies gouge out my
truth seeking eyes.
Too few times have these two knees fallen hard on the floor to ask for what I need
Too few times have these two truth seeking eyes shut tight in embraces of you
Too few times have these truth seeking eyes looked on worldy promises
Making my now ailing eyes search the horizon for traces of You.
-----


So that was my latest poetry dump. Remarks welcome; however, comments are encouraged.

First something frivolous, then somting serious.

I am sick to death of stupid forwards that give me directions like: "Only read this if you have enough time for it," or this one is classic, " Only send this on if you really mean it." If any of you who read this EVER send me a forward it had better damn well be life changing and from the heart. All I get from my cousins are these ridiculous forwards, and, boy, does it ever grate on my nerves.

So now for something serious, although it isn't really serious. I guess what makes it serious is that I would be typing with a serious tone.
Anyway, I know you have all at least had one wet dream in your life... wait, wait! keep reading. This post is not about seimen-y messes. I guess that would be the physical version of what I'm talking about. I think I had an emotional wet dream, which sounds dirty, but is the most vivid way of explaining my point. Dreams can mimic emotions and blah blah blah, but I had a dream a few nights ago where I was with this girl that I fancied, and we didn't do anyhting naughty, but just joked around and acted like a giggly couple. The pervasive feeling throughout the dream was that I want to be with this person as much as she wants to be with me. It was really neat. The emotional exchange in my dream had this synergistic effect that eventually got me waking up, smiling expecting to see that girl next to me in my bed. Again, nothing naughty happened, but it was certainly an emotional feeling that I have not felt since I was dating Jen... and that's been, what three, four years ago? Anyway, the dream was really neat and had me daydreaming for the next few days about how nice it would be to be in love again. For now, though, I guess I'll just have to wait.

Man, where to start.

I guess here.

Everything is just so different now. Remember High School and the reliability of seeing your friends everyday you were there. Now, I don't know. It feels like everyone is moving on and I'm still staying here. I guess I feel this way because I go to the boards and stuff a lot, but I haven't seen anyone who frequents the boards for the entire summer, and others for longer than that. I guess the change was bound to happen, but it seems like I just now realized it as I stand on my island and watch all of my friends slowly sail away. I don't think I'm lonely, just a little amazed at how life changes and things like that. People and relationships you didn't think that you were taking for granted and then *poof* they're all gone and you're left watching them leave searching for answers. I feel like the enormnity of life just fell in my lap. Nothing stays the same, I guess I just now realized this. It feels so strange knowing, and even seeing, all of your friends change and move away from you and being completely powerless to stop it.

It all started when I chose to move back into the dorms. I feel out of contact with Josh for a while; so much so that when I got a chance to talk to him after he got back from Colombia, it felt like I was talking to someone I had never met before. I never talk to or see Logan anymore. Same with Paul, Ethan, Seer, Skot and Add'em. I'm at a real loss for words, but I want to keep trying because I keep all of my posts for a record that I can look back on.

I think, in order to capture this feeling, I miss the stability and simplicity of high school friendships. Everyday you'd go to school and see your friends there.

but now...

everything is so different.
I guess change is good, but that doesn't change the fact that it's uncomfortable, or fearful even.

I feel like I'm becoming my own island of a man. I feel so isolated and seperate from everyhting that used to be familiar to me. I have become a predictable, rythmic sploch of meaninglessness that makes up the painting of this world. Go to work, go to bed, gotowork gotobed gotoworkgotobedgotoworkgotobedgotwrkgtbdgtrkgtbd and on into predictable, measureable boring me.

I know something is about to happen. My life has never been this static before.

And as I watch the individual adults come out of my boyhood friends, and stand open-mouthed while I realize that it has been happening for a while now, I know that it is not my part to try and bring us all back together. Time and age have seperated us all into defferent people it would seem... I just wonder where I will end up is all.

I crack myself up!!!!!

Perfect example: I'm in the bathroom getting ready for church and I spontaneously start shaking my butt in the mirror singing a 36 Crazy Fists song. Oh, man. If they made a movie about my life, I would see it and laugh myself silly. Although, I think that other people might puke or demand their money back, which I would not give them because I would be bathing in it... literally.

So I have this idea in my head that I emailed Jesse formerly of Killswitch Engage about. I wanted to know if anyone ministers to Chrisitan bands when they're on the road. Hopefully he emails me bakc and can give me a good answer. If the answer is no, then maybe I will see if I can get some sort of networking going and get a program off of its feet to achieve that aim.

goodby, y'all.

I just bought a digital camera, and this little guy is the shit!

I'm having a blast with it, as you can plainly tell from my great pictures that I have posted so far. The problem is that most of the pictures I have posted have been on accident. I tried to post pictures like 10 times, but when nothing happened I got impatient (like usual) and so now I fear I may have spammed both blogger and my 'blog with a bunch of nonsense pictures. Pictures of my feet, my water bottle, my bottle of supplements, all manner of garbage that was within shutter-snapping distance.

I have, of course, taken many pictures of me flexing muscles and stuff like that, but hey, I'm just giving the ladies what they want.

I really like this new 'blog area of mine. It feels like the right step. I don't know why it feels like the right step or even why it feels at all, but it does. A lot of what I have done so far has been kinda on accident, so when a caption underneath my pictures say "Maturity like no other," I'm still not sure how to change that. More specifically, I don't know what it is called in order to change it. I can tell you that I am having a blast with my new little digital camera and with this little space of mine.

I love the idea of having my own little corner of the internet. The internet is so chaotic and everyone has donated so much personality to the internet that I can't ever deal with it most of the time. I never know how to look or find what I am looking for, but this little space right here that I can call my own helps to bring this chaotic sandstorm of opinions, pictures, and data into an hourglass that I can manipulate. I still need to figure out how to find a website to host my pictures so I can post them in specific areas on this new 'blog space.

So... yeah. Not a very strong or sunstantive post by any means. In fact, I'd say that this post is exactly what I want to avoid. All it is a is a synopsis of what I did today. It contains nothing worth remembering, I guess you could say. At least when I posted on the boards, every post there was about something other than what I bought and then what I watched or am listening to. True, most of those posts were dripping with "poor me" kinda misery, but something that I once told Marin justifies it. When I write in a journal, I am the me that can get away with whatever I want to. Like your imagination put into words that only trusted people will see. If I'm pissed and want to hate people, then I can do that because in a journal I am allowed to be that way. Same for sad or feeling suicidal. Consider putting something under a magnifying galss. It grows lager and more detailed in order for it to be studied. Same with my emotoinal being when I post. I am putting my self and emotions underneath a magnifying glass and so everything is exaggerated.

I would caution people not to be surprised by what they read here. I have come to the point in my life where I don't think that I will make everyone happy, and I need something that I can absolutely call my own. Somewhere that I can be that person that can get away with being bitter, resentful, demented, abandoned, horny, a little suicidal, and masochistic, as well as joyful, religious, prophetic, hard hitting, loving, compassionate, grown up, and Jesus-y.

So with that, let me begin.

7-9-05
Maturity like no other.