unedited thoughts

I had some spare time so I decided to do a brain dump. I don't know why I always dump this stuff here... wait, yes I do.

It's because I'm calling for help.

I think the reason that I want God to get rid of my short list is because I have been so hurt in the past by crushes. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to feel that awkward and ugly all over again.

…..

Sometimes the phrase “mutually assured destruction” runs through my head when I think about relationships and how I have mucked them up the last five years. If I’m going to be miserable, I might as well make her just as miserable, right? Maybe. But that’s if you stop caring about anyone else.

…..

She has been very heavy on my mind and heart and I don’t even know who she is… good grief. This sucks. So much of what is happening mirrors all that has gone wrong in the past when it comes to me and relationships. I’ve got those familiar longings, those familiar dreams (Last night I had a dream where I was going to a speech given by my most recent ex-crush. I was given a white flower before she started talking. I vaguely recall similar dreams about this kind of thing), that same feeling in my stomach, and that same tumultuous brain patterning. I just wish I could be over this stuff, but not as I will as the Lord wills. Paul asked for something to go away that never did. He asked three times, but it never went away. Dude, I hate how girls just get in my mind.

I don’t write as much as I used to. I don’t know what to do. At this point, I don’t know what to believe. Have I always fallen for girls that are out of my “league.” What is my league? That’s a pretty good question. I’m so pessimistic from my constant losses that I might consider my league what one finds on the bottom of a trash can. Why have I not had a girlfriend for the last five years? I think that’s a damn good question. I don’t type that because I feel I’m obligated or something, but am I horribly repulsive? I know I’m not statuesque and beautiful; I’m kind of lumpy and hairy, from what I understand that may not be what girls want these days.

Man, I hate how this happens. Feelings for a girl aren’t a joyous things for me; it’s like a waling note of dread is ringing throughout my head… that’s when I’m being realistic, anyways. When I let my mind wander and exist in my CONSTANT fantasies, I’m the coolest, sexiest, funniest man on the planet to that girl. I amaze myself with how much I get stuck in my own head. Lately, when this happens I confess the whole things to Jesus (it’s pretty embarrassing sometimes – Jesus, okay this one is really stupid. I just rescued her from 25 ninjas with my Wolverine claws. They’re not usually THAT ridiculous, but often times I will simply imagine that girl in my mind as my girlfriend and I’ll imagine us talking, or hugging, or holding hands, or laying down together and stuff like that) and ask him to destroy it. I don’t want to live in there in my head anymore. I want to exist in the here and now even if that means I won’t get this particular girl (although, who am I kidding? I’m not going to get her anyway, look at the past 5 years!).

Mostly, I just want to be over this. Would I get a girlfriend if an opportunity presented itself? Yes, I would. I realize what Paul was saying when he said that some people can’t be single because it causes them to stumble. Well, here I am.
I am going to be choosey but yes I would. I long to be in a relationship with a mature, smart, and capable Christian woman. I know that this girl is the kind that can do that because God has told me. That wasn’t a a real surprise, but I think he told me that she could be the kind of girl that could be mature, smart, and capable, and work with me in a relationship.

Geez, who am I? Does everyone go on this long about this kind of thing? Does every guy have to get his mind under control like I do, or am I some sort of anomaly? I think that I might be healthy; there are things that need to be changed and Jesus is working on that, but could I be in a relationship and be a healthy, responsible, and mature boyfriend (according to God’s standards)? I think so, I just can’t seem to find a girl that would ever want to hold my hand…

And so I’m back where I started asking the same questions: Could I be in a relationship? Am I someone that can love or be loved? Am I physically attractive enough for a woman to love me?
I hope so.
But then I get back to the original problem I’ve been having the last five years: [i]I can’t find one girl that I have feelings for who agrees with me in that…[/i]
…and so I wait and agonize and just wish to be left alone unless God is going to feature me as the main character in an incredibly sweeping, and romantic love story.

And yes, for anyone who wants to criticize the italicized statement, I realize that the problem is I keep falling for girls that don’t want me. I know this, and I hate it about myself. But I don’t want to settle. I really want to reach for the stars or some other idealistic statement. I wish I could fall for some girl that could return my affections and not have to “let me down.” It’s incredibly embarrassing. That is actually the worst part in all this. I have been single for the last five years, but it’s not like I haven’t tried. I have tried and failed. Wouldn’t you be embarrassed?

Garf…