Back and Forth

I go back and forth between wanting a girl and not wanting a girl. When I'm not with a girl, and am finishing homework, or a reading assignment, or a project, I have clarity, and I think that maybe a girl isn't the best. When I see a girl that I'm crushing on, things aren't so clear.

When I'm lonely, and when I think about times of tragedy, my eyes slowly float to a spot next to me that is vacant. Sometimes it feels like something is missing from that spot.

Over the last five years, I have not been single; I simply have not had a girlfriend. I think there's a difference. The last five years have seen me want a girlfriend, but not having one. I wonder what the next five years would be like if I spent them being dutifully single. By that I mean, not looking for a girlfriend, but keep my eyes focused on God and the mission before me as opposed to frantically looking around screaming at God, "Was that the one?! Did I miss her?! Shit, turn around!!"

Yeah, I think I'd just like to look stand up and forward in honest confidence these days. Certainly all of the things that I want to do in the next 5-10 years would be be better accomplished if I didn't have a ladyfriend... but yeah. My eyes still float to this empty spot next to me, and I start wondering...

For the record, I think I'm more at ease with the ethos of dating and love than normal; or at least, I'm not as panicked over these things as I used to be. At times, I have this laser like focus and precision as to where I KNOW I will end up after I graduate. It stands before me in my mind's eyes with vivid reality and technicolor. I'm actually smiling there. I have a beard and am immersed in languages, instead of bent over and out of breath like I see myself now.

But here I begin to go back and forth. Is a girl really what I need right now? I think it's what I want, but what could they add to my life that isn't already there? I don't want one to add something to my life that makes me stay. There are two girls that I'm looking at. The all-business one is the one I could see being out there with me, but I don't want to pursue that one right now. The other is tons of fun, and I could see pursuing right now, but I really don't see her out there with me, like not even at all. I just don't see her leaving the country, which is fine.
Back and forth, back and forth. Girl A Girl B, Girl A Girl B, Girl A Girl B, Girl A Girl B.
Girl No Girl, Girl No Girl, Girl No Girl, Girl No Girl, Girl No Girl

I see myself in the darkness curled up with both hands over my ears screaming for these voices to stop. I imagine Jesus with great authority silencing this repetition with a slicing movement of his hand, grabbing my balled up form, and leaping into the light.
I've seen Jesus do some pretty cool stuff before, I'd like to see him kick some butt next. I once told my spiritual guru, Jacci, from whom I received that intercessary, healing prayer, that I really want to see Jesus to elbow drop these chanting demons that drive me insane. I just think that it would be really cool to see Jesus do a People's Elbow on some grubby, hairy thing crawling all over me trying to get under my hand and into my ear.

You know, I talk about a lot of personal on this place. Sometimes I wonder if that's a bad idea. Oh well. I guess I can always erase it if I want.