You can probably guess that I'll be talking about girls
I just get down on myself. It's a confidence thing for me. I don't think that I would be worth their making time for me. I don't think I'm ever anything to wow someone. The more people get to know me, the more they like me, but whenever romantic feelings (on my part, it's never been theirs) get involved I don't know how to act. I have all these emotions so I think that if something were going to happen then shouldn't the other girl also have romantic feelings as well. Shouldn't she be as excited to see me as I am to see her. You know those side ways glances that people make when they're crushing on you? Dude, I don't get those from girls that I like... but I certainly make them all the time. This is gettin' old. I'm tired of making all the looks, and havin' all the eyes. I've got eyes for a girl that I see sometimes, but she don't have eyes for me, and she doens't throw any looks my way. I don't know how to make a girl like me.
When I was a junior in high school, and I got my one and only girlfriend (God, I'm a loser) she approached me about a date. I remember going on the date not thinking anything. I was like, "Sure, whatever, I'll go see a movie." Next thing you know, I'm seeing more of her and stuff like that, but the whole time I wasn't in love or really having feelings. It was kinda wierd. I just thought, "Well, some girl asked me out to a movie and I went. It was kinda nice." But that was it. Then we went to a second movie, and then coffee. I remember seeing her at church a few times, enough so that my mom knew who she was. Then I think she came with my mom to an honor choir thing that I sang in. We sat close and kinda made like touchy motions and stuff like that. We eventually held hands on the ride home and that was kinda what made it official. Uh, so yeah. I don't know. I guess I realize that it's wrong for me to assume that any girl that I have feelings for should have feelings for me. I went on a couple dates with Jen before I ended up with feelings for her. I do, however, remember that I was kinda looking for love at that point in my life, so I decided to go along with it because I was okay with dating. I would be okay now, but I don't know how, I'm just going to call her Mana...franken...heim... yeah, Manafrankenheim. But I don't know how Manafrankenheim feels about dating right now. I just really don't want to be shot down again.
That's where the trouble starts. I'm lonely, and kinda lookin', but the last two girls I've gone for have not "taken the bait." So, I definitely don't want to have that conversation EVER again. If there's such a things as chemistry, I don't know if I feel it between us. I freakin' cringe when I remember hearing that. I can be there as your friend, but I don't think I can be there for you as your girlfriend. Yes, these lines haunt me. Not to mention that every girl I've ever had feelings for has turned my down, or not turned my way. I've tried a few times. Twice in high school, twice in college with crushes here and there, but none of them have ever turned out the way that I want them to. This stuff turns my insides into a brackish waste where my heart is. I've crushed before, but I've never actually done it right. It's no wonder why I'm so insecure about my body, and my capacity for girls. I'm not a super-duper emotionally strong guy unless you piss me off, so I guess this is why I'm so wierd about dating and girls. I keep hearing people say Just try dating some people, but I too damn afraid. I've been turned down, and I'm not the kinda guy who can take that lightly. If I'm turned down, I figure it's because there's something wrong with me, and because I really wanted that person I went after, I want to fix whatever was wrong with me so that they will like me.
I need some mercy in a bad way.
posted by Maturity @ 6:09 PM
9 comments
9 Comments:
try asking out some girl that you don't really know at all. just some girl you run into and think is cute or something. just shoot out a "boom- hey you wanna go get coffee?" that way you don't have to worry about getting the "just friends" part or anything that would make getting turned down so bad. you'll get a simple response, and if its a no-go, you can just leave it at "alright seeya around"
The phrase to remember here is, "cast a wide net".
If you see an attractive girl at Borders, tell her you'd like her number, so the two of you can get together for a chance to shoot the shit. Afterward, go and get the number of the next attractive girl you see. When the third doesn't oblige, you won't care.
Also, never forget that you talk to some girls explicitly to score a date. You're shooting the shit to figure out whether or not a girl is worth going on a date with (or a second date), not because you want to be their friend.
And if you feel insecure, act like Charles Bukowski's alter ego; or if "cock sure" isn't your style, act like one of Murakami's protagonists. Unapologetic honesty goes a long way sometimes.
I've tried the whole unapologetic honesty thing and it didn't go over too well. Yeah, the whole cock-sure thing and the honesty are pretty romanticized in books and in hollywood... or maybe it's that I've never actually been close enough to a girl to make one of those two strategies work.
*grumble*
In Fallon I have a eleven foot by about nine foot wall that is three-quarters of the way filled with unopened Star Wars toys. I have hundreds of dollars worth of opened Star Wars toys. What makes this relevent?
I've loved Star Wars since I was about ten and I saw New Hope for the first time. That is over half my life. I am obsessed with Spider-Man, so much so that I have a Spidey tattoo on my arm.
When I am into something, I go in full throttle. I think that is how I am with girls as well. A laser focus on one girl and then I spend all of my time figuring out how to win her over and most of the time (okay, almost all of the time) it doesn't work out. You can cast a wide net all you want, but I don't think that is what you want to do. If you want a girl, your whole body, your whole mind set, is telling you to stay completely focused on her. Just like my mind told me to stay focused on Star Wars, you are being told by impulses in your brain that you don't control that you need to go after a girl.
My advice is to not fight it. My advice is to go for the girls that you want to be with, be with the ones that you will grow as attached to as beloved movies/comics/whatever.
I say this because I, for one, have sworn never to be desperate. I have sworn never to go for the easy girls just because I can't get the harder to reach girls. You can cast a wide net, but it will only bring you short bursts of pleasure. Me and you, and many, many others around the world, aren't looking for those quick fixes. We want something that will stick. Something we can cover a wall with. Something we can tattoo on our arms. We need something that is going to be around for a long time.
What I am saying is go for it, and I wish you the best. But don't get down on yourself if it doesn't work out. Don't beat yourself up because you don't feel man enough. Because real men don't fuck everything that moves. Real men only fuck what they want to fuck.
"Because real men don't fuck everything that moves. Real men only fuck what they want to fuck."
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Matt, you have so much valuable insight sometimes. I think my problem with casting a wide net is that it numbs me to rejection, and I don't want to be numb to rejection. I guess my logic, and this is my own, is that if I am numb to rejection then I am numb to the feelings that would accompany rejection, and those are pretty valuable feelings. You never want the pain to go away. If I don't feel a little crappy, then I don't have a reason to ask her out because I don't actually like her. That's just my spin, and I've been known to be a little crazy.
I too focus all my attention on one girl, because that is really all I've ever wanted was one girl. One obsession at a time so to speak.
I was journaling last night and I realized that I haven't been considering the possibility that this girl might turn me down. I've built up this fantasy in my head where she is this pretty, smiling addendum to a kick ass future with me looking amazing and her joyfully smiling because she lucked out and got the best man in the world. These fantasies reek of day old vomit.
In my journaling I realized that she is not this girl in my head; and as an autonomous creation, she has the right to reject me without animosity tied to it. The reason I am always so crushed by rejection is because I have this fantasy land in my head where everthing works out how I want. So when someitng in the real world doesn't work like my imagined world, I lose sight and direction and the things I had built up crumble around me.
I still think I'm going to ask her out, but I guess I'm just okay with being turned down. I will feel a little crappy, of course, but then again, I don't have the right to because I don't know this girl enough to merit feelings of abandonment and stuff like that.
We'll see.
i think the idea is that you don't really know if someone is right for you till you get to know them pretty well. someone who seems like they would be right might end up being completely wrong and vice versa.
Well, maybe my two examples have been romanticized, I don't know. I used them because, in my mind, they're good characters to imitate when you're not self confident. Think about how Binx Bolling romanced his secretaries.
Close enough? Just lean in next time (hah).
Moore says that he tends to focus all his attention on one girl, something that you seem to identify with, but I have a few issues with this strategy. First, if I don't know a girl, I have no reason to try to... what, I don't know, go steady. I'm not enthralled, I don't even know her, but she has a shapely neck and her hair is short and I can see her ears. In short, she's hot, and I'd like to go out on a date with her. But, the confusion here is that date isn't the same thing as... date (check how I wrote "go steady" above). Maybe a relationship will be down the road, I don't know, I've got to talk to her first and see if we can have a conversation.
Ok, say you already know the girl. You're friends. Maybe that's what you guys meant. However, why are you guys friends? Did you spot her across the room and decide that you wanted to date her, but you thought you'd get all friendly first? Ok. That doesn't work. Don't try to become a girl's friend first. If you think you may be interested in her, make it clear up front that your intention is to date her. If dating leads to a relationship, great. But don't expect a relationship when what you've had up until that point is a friendship. She has (arguably, more honest) dating prospects already. You two were hanging out because she thought you were friends. After you pop that question, the friendship is over, because it's easier to stop talking to you then continue while feeling uneasy.
you know, the problem is I can see both sides of the argument.
The last few days I've been pretty free from thoughts about any of this.
This is so unlike me, but reading this story of yours has given me the courage to do so. Here goes.
The “boy thing” that you wished me luck with…? You are the thing. I lied to you when I said I “stumbled onto” your blog. It was more like I looked you up in MySpace search, didn’t find you, figured maybe you had a Facebook or other types of blog, Googled, and found you. Thus, on my comment, when I said that I felt a little like a stalker, I was being genuinely truthful.
Why wasn’t I straightforward to begin with? Because I’m a yellow-bellied, lily-livered, faint-of-heart coward (and there is no substitute for Shakespearean adjectives). I’ve never acted on my attractions towards a boy before. Though I do not agree entirely with Helena, I do identify with her when she says “we cannot fight for love, as men may do; we should be woo’d, and were not made to woo.” I fear rejection just as much, if not more, as you have expressed here.
Alas, I’ve wasted too much time pondering, contemplating, musing and brooding over this thing for last several weeks, and have come to conclusion that this is a very inefficient use of my time and effort.
I find you to be someone to “wow” about. Based on what little I know about you from these blog entries you are an amazing, multi-faceted, enthralling individual, and you do yourself wrong by not giving yourself enough credit.
I have a tendency to be long-winded, so I will wrap it up right around here. Whatever may come of this, I have decided to accept it as fate and God’s will.
Sincerely,
Yon
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