Back and Forth

I go back and forth between wanting a girl and not wanting a girl. When I'm not with a girl, and am finishing homework, or a reading assignment, or a project, I have clarity, and I think that maybe a girl isn't the best. When I see a girl that I'm crushing on, things aren't so clear.

When I'm lonely, and when I think about times of tragedy, my eyes slowly float to a spot next to me that is vacant. Sometimes it feels like something is missing from that spot.

Over the last five years, I have not been single; I simply have not had a girlfriend. I think there's a difference. The last five years have seen me want a girlfriend, but not having one. I wonder what the next five years would be like if I spent them being dutifully single. By that I mean, not looking for a girlfriend, but keep my eyes focused on God and the mission before me as opposed to frantically looking around screaming at God, "Was that the one?! Did I miss her?! Shit, turn around!!"

Yeah, I think I'd just like to look stand up and forward in honest confidence these days. Certainly all of the things that I want to do in the next 5-10 years would be be better accomplished if I didn't have a ladyfriend... but yeah. My eyes still float to this empty spot next to me, and I start wondering...

For the record, I think I'm more at ease with the ethos of dating and love than normal; or at least, I'm not as panicked over these things as I used to be. At times, I have this laser like focus and precision as to where I KNOW I will end up after I graduate. It stands before me in my mind's eyes with vivid reality and technicolor. I'm actually smiling there. I have a beard and am immersed in languages, instead of bent over and out of breath like I see myself now.

But here I begin to go back and forth. Is a girl really what I need right now? I think it's what I want, but what could they add to my life that isn't already there? I don't want one to add something to my life that makes me stay. There are two girls that I'm looking at. The all-business one is the one I could see being out there with me, but I don't want to pursue that one right now. The other is tons of fun, and I could see pursuing right now, but I really don't see her out there with me, like not even at all. I just don't see her leaving the country, which is fine.
Back and forth, back and forth. Girl A Girl B, Girl A Girl B, Girl A Girl B, Girl A Girl B.
Girl No Girl, Girl No Girl, Girl No Girl, Girl No Girl, Girl No Girl

I see myself in the darkness curled up with both hands over my ears screaming for these voices to stop. I imagine Jesus with great authority silencing this repetition with a slicing movement of his hand, grabbing my balled up form, and leaping into the light.
I've seen Jesus do some pretty cool stuff before, I'd like to see him kick some butt next. I once told my spiritual guru, Jacci, from whom I received that intercessary, healing prayer, that I really want to see Jesus to elbow drop these chanting demons that drive me insane. I just think that it would be really cool to see Jesus do a People's Elbow on some grubby, hairy thing crawling all over me trying to get under my hand and into my ear.

You know, I talk about a lot of personal on this place. Sometimes I wonder if that's a bad idea. Oh well. I guess I can always erase it if I want.

Love life

I'm not wearing any underwear, which has nothing to do with my love life, but I do think that it's important emough to post up here.

So... there are two girls. Pretty much one, though. There were two girls, but one of them has this all-business approach to Christianity. I love Jesus too, but do we always have to talk about him? Some would call that heresy, but I would call it acknowledging the rest of his creation. I think that we should see Jesus in that creation, but I don't sometimes a puppy is cute enough without having to acknowledge comparing the puppy's unconditional love to Jesus'(we never really talked about that, but this is a pretty fair example). I don't always want to talk about some of the spiritual things we've seen (she's seen stuff too) because that stuff is really heavy, and intense. It kinda weighs you down sometimes. I went out to eat with that girl the other day just to kinda figure her out some more, and, unless she super-duper changes, I feel like she's not really my type. It's kinda crazy to acutally have the freedom to say that. All of you guys know how bound I become to each one of my crushes, so to actually have the strength and freedom to evaluate the situation and know that this girl really isn't someone that I would want to spend an abundance of time with is liberating and speaks for how far God has brought me as a person. She's an amazing woman of God; I have never been called out on so many of my ignored, unknown spiritual issues the way that she did. But I guess, I didn't feel any kind of chemistry there.

Then the other one. Well, she's actually the same one that I had posted about all last year. Yep, it's her. I have a BLAST with that girl. We communicate the way I imagine a great couple ought to. I've totally brought up to her more than once how I feel and she is able to be cool with it. She's single now, and a couple weeks ago, I told her that I was on the market and asked if she was. She said no. But I don't feel like it's a "No, not with you," I feel like it's a "No, not right now." I don't plan on letting that girl out of my sights.
I saw her last night at a church thing. I didn't even know she was there, but she came up to me and kicked me in the shin and we picked up right where we left off. We never skip a beat, I feel like we always are in tune. As I was looking down at her smiling and listening to her talk, I just kept thinking, "Man, I could do this. I want to do this." So who knows? I'm going to see her again on Wed, but not like at a church thing, or a school thing; it's a dinner thing.
I don't know what any of this means. I know what I want it to mean, but I also know that this girl has kinda burned me before (it's pretty justified to say that I jumped the gun, though), so I'm being a little cautious. I'm sick of being her casual friend. I would like to be more deliberate about seeing her. But right now, I just don't want to force anything. I learned my lesson. I going to be patient this time around.

That's the update. It felt good to type, so I'm glad you asked. Cool. I erased some other analytical stuff because I just don't want to be that guy anymore. I'm tired of trying to think about everything. So, I'm going to stop and read some comic books that I borrowed from Matt.

Rock-n-roll, fellas.

Fate

I talked to that same women who, a couple weeks ago, guided me through that crazy, vivid prayer this morning. She seems pretty convinced that I'll have a girl by the end of the year. Who knows?

We have Friday off. Thank God. All I plan on doing is eating two giant cheeseburgers and sitting around. I don't have much in the way of liesurely things to do, so maybe I'll give some people a call and we can hang out. Maybe I'll watch a movie. Maybe I'll do some homework (I am EXTREMELY behind in one of my classes). Quien sabe?

I see my life branching into two possible roads. There are girls at each one of them. What will become of me? Na rayk?

I've got a midterm today that I have put a lot of time into, so I should be getting a good grade. Na rayk?

Whatever. It's my life to enjoy. Ga wy ij'moe? Awm ga wy ratch ij'moe. It doesn't matter. I'm sealed. I am freakin' sealed!

I might have super good news soon for those of you who care about my CRAZY love life... even though it's not that crazy.

Here's to good news. *lifts glass* And here's to all of my friends that I don't see that often these days. *drinks*

A Simple Weekend Post

I'm here. I'm alive. Maybe that's all that God cares about.

I've been reading Proverbs a lot lately. The "Wise Wife" is all over the place in that book; it makes me jealous.

I don't really have anything to type, but I feel like it is important to let everyone know that God is slowly rebuilding me. After everything that has happened the last 3 years, God is slowly putting love and patience and faith and trust back into my life.

I talked to a girl who has like a Spiritual Wisdom of 75, where mine is like 12. Dude, it's not even one of my major classes. *pushes glasses up on face* Anyway, in a one hour conversation she turned my world upside down! I keep thinking back to it...

She told my to stand. In fact, at one point in our conversation, she was emphatic about it. I was squating on a ledge that was about at chest level, and she was standing below me. So I stepped off the ledge and I stood. Then she put her hand on my chest and started praying for me. She asked God that I would learn to stand, and no longer stay in the back. I don't remember what she said, I was too busy thinking about how cool and surprising that this girl could call me out so quickly and accurately and pray exactly what I needed to hear. As she was praying, I kept standing taller and pushing my chest out further, and widening my shoulders because it felt like the proper thing to do. It felt like God was calling me out through this girl and so the proper thing to do was to stand as tall and intimidating as I could (OH SHIT!!! Zombie Autopilot by Unearth [go to yahooMusic right now and watch the video, right now!!!!] just started playing on my iPod!!! Now I'm all pumped up!) because... Dude, I'm a frickin' Prince because my Father is a King! Take that.
Cheb and I talked about that in the Prayer Room the other night for a while. We were talking about our power animals, and both of us picked some goofy, stupid animal that got vicisously (I just forgot how to spell that word. Oh well, not really caring anyway) murdered by some other animal. First Cheb said that he was a sea otter that was having fun and then would get eaten by an Orca. Then he said his was a Bower Bird with crappy plumage and a weak nest; it occured to me that our animals and our conceptions of ourselves were lies from Satan. We are powerful freakin' men. I don't know of anyone else (which doesn't mean that they're not out there) who continually meets the deadlines and obligations that we do. At the end of 24 hour day, Cheb is still out there running the bleachers and doing Ruttens right along side of me. Now that is manly. And last year, when I was only getting 3 hours of sleep, I was still getting up early to work out, doing the two Bible studies, working the two jobs, AND getting A's in my classes! Now that is freakin' manly.
As I was running the with Cheb on Saturday, I kept thinking about how much of a powerful man God has created me to be, and how much more powerful I am going to become. I felt like all the work of the last few years, the pace and the striving, the sweat, the tears, were all coming together and I was rewarded in that morning with the bleachers. It made so much sense to me that the bleachers that morning symbolized my inheritance from God. I started asking it from him, almost demanding it from him. Because I am a Prince, and I ahve a huge inheritance coming to me; Lord knows (literally) that I have been working my butt off for it, so yeah, I freakin' want it. I want a girl and I want a ministry. If that ministry is just hanging out in church until I can leave for all of the places that I want to go, then all I gotta say is rock'n'roll, I'm cool with that. I just realy want those things. God has seen me work, and now that so many of the lies that Satan has told me have been broken and I believe that I STAND justified through Jesus before God as a PRINCE and an HEIR to the Holy Spirit I want to claim my inheritance. I want it now and I want to do it right. I just knew that running those bleachers that morning symbolized my inheritance from God. Sure it was a lot of work (and I REALLY had to poop, and felt kinda pukey because of that damn milk party... You try running the bleachers with a belly full of milk and pastries; it felt like I had a sack of cement in my gut), but there was no other place I would rather have been. That was my inheritance and I was claiming it from God. It was really cool to be out there than morning and know that very few men have the chutzpah to be out there and running the crazy pace that we do. That is what God is giving me, and it's pretty cool.

So, anyway. I'm going to ask that girl out because I want to and I feel like I should. I'm gonna jump on this one before I have a chance to over think everything and go nuts. If nothing happens, then whatever. But I'm not going to approach this expecting defeat; I'm going to approach it expecting my inheritance from God because I am a Prince and I have come of age. If the answer is no, then that simply means that there's another one out there.

Good grief. I wasn't even going to write a lot. I'm not even going to edit it either because I don't have time. Sassah-frassin' journal. It takes up all this time.

*edit*
So I edited it (huh, those two words together are the same word repeated. 'edit'edit' You see? These are the fun things and patterns I look for in words and why I love Linguistics). Shutup. The thing is still full of errors and redundancy, but I don't care. I have to pee and get to frickin' work.

Darfur

I got this email from Sojourners that mentioned and organization called evangelicalsfordarfur. I signed the petition and got an email from the whitehouse. It looks like this:

On behalf of President Bush, thank you for your correspondence.
We appreciate hearing your views and welcome your suggestions.
The President is committed to continuing our economic progress,
defending our freedom, and upholding our Nation's deepest values.

Due to the large volume of e-mail received, the White House
cannot respond to every message. Please visit the White House
website for the most up-to-date information on Presidential
initiatives, current events, and topics of interest to you.
In order to better receive comments from the public, a new system
has been implemented. In the future please send your comments to
comments@whitehouse.gov.

Thank you again for taking the time to write.


I guess it's just pretty cool that I can write to our whitehouse.

At the risk of

At the risk of wasting precious time for studying, I'm going to type some stuff up here because... well, I think I have this crazy hope that one of the girls I have feelings for might stumble across this page. Aside from being comfortable knowing that my friends know I am neurotic, I think some crush of mine browsing by this page might be the real reason I type here. Who knows? Just thinking.

Saturday morning I went and had someone pray deeply into my past and my spiritual strongholds. I usually try to be a really down to earth guy, but once again, Christianity is showing me that there is more than just what I can see and measure. While we were praying I saw some intense, vivid, and highly symbolic stuff. It was crazy. I told Cheb all about what I saw and he was kinda like, "Yeah, that was pretty crazy." Next time I see Josh and Par, I'd like to talk to them about the stuff that I saw. There were so many times that I thought I saw Jesus throughout this progression of visions while I was praying, but each time that Jesus would do something violent and attack me, or choke me, or try to kill me, one of them even molested me in the most obscene sense that a male can be molested; it was... something, man I don't know. I still don't really know how to approach it all as I spend the next few weeks (I'm going to go back and have this person pray with me again after a few weeks have passes) debriefing and deconstricting what I saw. I do know that the Jesuses I saw and fought symbolized a large part of my struggles over the last few years: there was Anger, Pride, Despair, Lust, Legion, Lies, Confusion, and the Molester one. I don't know how often people read this, or want to be involved in the spiritual stuff that I write about, but I have written the whole vision down and if you want to read it, I'll post it. If nothing else, it's an incredibly surreal, dramatic, and symbolic thing to read. There's shape shifting and demons and frightening images; it's kinda like something you might see in a Constantine-esque movie. You might enjoy it.

Recently my potential love life has become the topic of discourse between many peolpe that I pray with and trust. Ummm... things might be moving, but then again I really can't speak for that because I have not been notoriously intuitive when my love life is the topic. Well, that's a lie. Things are moving. I did see and feel plenty of things about my love life when I was being prayed over. The woman praying over me even specifically mentioned my wanting to have a partner, so yeah. I don't know what all that means or what it translates into.

And now for homework.

It was a stronghold

I think. I go back and forth on this subject (girls) like the weather. Anyone who has known me for more than one year knows how often I have troubles with girls. The worst part of it is, I shouldn't have any because I'm never involved with any girls.

A victory would be nice, though.

unedited thoughts

I had some spare time so I decided to do a brain dump. I don't know why I always dump this stuff here... wait, yes I do.

It's because I'm calling for help.

I think the reason that I want God to get rid of my short list is because I have been so hurt in the past by crushes. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to feel that awkward and ugly all over again.

…..

Sometimes the phrase “mutually assured destruction” runs through my head when I think about relationships and how I have mucked them up the last five years. If I’m going to be miserable, I might as well make her just as miserable, right? Maybe. But that’s if you stop caring about anyone else.

…..

She has been very heavy on my mind and heart and I don’t even know who she is… good grief. This sucks. So much of what is happening mirrors all that has gone wrong in the past when it comes to me and relationships. I’ve got those familiar longings, those familiar dreams (Last night I had a dream where I was going to a speech given by my most recent ex-crush. I was given a white flower before she started talking. I vaguely recall similar dreams about this kind of thing), that same feeling in my stomach, and that same tumultuous brain patterning. I just wish I could be over this stuff, but not as I will as the Lord wills. Paul asked for something to go away that never did. He asked three times, but it never went away. Dude, I hate how girls just get in my mind.

I don’t write as much as I used to. I don’t know what to do. At this point, I don’t know what to believe. Have I always fallen for girls that are out of my “league.” What is my league? That’s a pretty good question. I’m so pessimistic from my constant losses that I might consider my league what one finds on the bottom of a trash can. Why have I not had a girlfriend for the last five years? I think that’s a damn good question. I don’t type that because I feel I’m obligated or something, but am I horribly repulsive? I know I’m not statuesque and beautiful; I’m kind of lumpy and hairy, from what I understand that may not be what girls want these days.

Man, I hate how this happens. Feelings for a girl aren’t a joyous things for me; it’s like a waling note of dread is ringing throughout my head… that’s when I’m being realistic, anyways. When I let my mind wander and exist in my CONSTANT fantasies, I’m the coolest, sexiest, funniest man on the planet to that girl. I amaze myself with how much I get stuck in my own head. Lately, when this happens I confess the whole things to Jesus (it’s pretty embarrassing sometimes – Jesus, okay this one is really stupid. I just rescued her from 25 ninjas with my Wolverine claws. They’re not usually THAT ridiculous, but often times I will simply imagine that girl in my mind as my girlfriend and I’ll imagine us talking, or hugging, or holding hands, or laying down together and stuff like that) and ask him to destroy it. I don’t want to live in there in my head anymore. I want to exist in the here and now even if that means I won’t get this particular girl (although, who am I kidding? I’m not going to get her anyway, look at the past 5 years!).

Mostly, I just want to be over this. Would I get a girlfriend if an opportunity presented itself? Yes, I would. I realize what Paul was saying when he said that some people can’t be single because it causes them to stumble. Well, here I am.
I am going to be choosey but yes I would. I long to be in a relationship with a mature, smart, and capable Christian woman. I know that this girl is the kind that can do that because God has told me. That wasn’t a a real surprise, but I think he told me that she could be the kind of girl that could be mature, smart, and capable, and work with me in a relationship.

Geez, who am I? Does everyone go on this long about this kind of thing? Does every guy have to get his mind under control like I do, or am I some sort of anomaly? I think that I might be healthy; there are things that need to be changed and Jesus is working on that, but could I be in a relationship and be a healthy, responsible, and mature boyfriend (according to God’s standards)? I think so, I just can’t seem to find a girl that would ever want to hold my hand…

And so I’m back where I started asking the same questions: Could I be in a relationship? Am I someone that can love or be loved? Am I physically attractive enough for a woman to love me?
I hope so.
But then I get back to the original problem I’ve been having the last five years: [i]I can’t find one girl that I have feelings for who agrees with me in that…[/i]
…and so I wait and agonize and just wish to be left alone unless God is going to feature me as the main character in an incredibly sweeping, and romantic love story.

And yes, for anyone who wants to criticize the italicized statement, I realize that the problem is I keep falling for girls that don’t want me. I know this, and I hate it about myself. But I don’t want to settle. I really want to reach for the stars or some other idealistic statement. I wish I could fall for some girl that could return my affections and not have to “let me down.” It’s incredibly embarrassing. That is actually the worst part in all this. I have been single for the last five years, but it’s not like I haven’t tried. I have tried and failed. Wouldn’t you be embarrassed?

Garf…

The Build Up and The Short List

wow, I almost forgot that I posted this.

One time I came home from a rather long and stressful day and went to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. I was jerking things open, slamming things onto counters, and grumbling about things under my breath. Matt walked past the kitchen to the balcony for a cigarette. I followed him after a couple minutes and a belly full of cottage cheese. I sat down on the couch we have on our balcony.
"Long day?" asks Matt.
"No, just a long five years. Sometimes it catches up with me like that," I said.
"Yeah, I get like that too."

This post is like that. Sometimes all the stress just catches up with me and I find myself dripping all the acidic anger into a post that says things like "Fuck this," and "I'm so tired of...," and "I just wish that...," and "This is not fair," and other stuff like that.

My like becomes rather cumbersome and bulky when I start college. I would like to be done soon, but I want to be sure that I am doing something that I like and that I want to do, that’s all.

I got a chance to talk to Cheb about his response and about all the stuff I typed. That was a good thing. I’ve also been praying with Cheb in IV’s 24 hour prayer room. We were talking about how there is at least always ONE girl on our mind. More than once, there are TWO or THREE girls on our list at any one time. Cheb told me that he came up with this theory he called the “short list.” It’s pretty self-explanatory in context: the short list is every guys list of girls that he would like to “get with” in whatever semantic variation of the phrase the guys decides. In our case, it was always a crush. I’m sure we would both like to have sex, but our short list isn’t about girls we’d like to sleep with it’s about girls we’d like date or, perhaps more specifically, girls we would like to have crushes on [i]us[/i]. At least that’s how it is for me. My short list always has at least one girl on it that I wish had a bashful, immature crush on me like I would have on her. This morning in the prayer room (at about 3:20, garf!) Cheb said that he decided to abolish his short list. I, of course, have a girl on my list that I’ve been asking God to take off my mind because I hate how girls get stuck there and don’t leave until something catastrophic happens. I decided to ask God to abolish my short list as well, because that’s a good idea. What really sucks is that this girl I currently have feelings for LOOKS like the girl I've always wanted. I'm so over this whole love stuff. I know now that I should probably start dating or I will slowly disolve into a state of bitter insanity where everything with a vagina equals disaster...

So that’s that.

Uh… beer, anyone?

kill me or give me money so I can sit at home and study

I can't figure out what to write, or what to do these days. Sometimes, I'll just stand in one spot for like 5 minutes debating what I should do. I need to move and be done with school so I can be free to do more things. Increasingly, I find myself torn between the capability to do what I want, and the obligation to get my school work done. I'm so close.

There is so much going on inside me lately, but I can't get any of it out. I don't know if it's crucial for me to get this stuff out, but I just can't write what I really want to these days.

I wish I had more friends, or at least, I wish the friends I had shared more free time with me. We all get so busy and distant when school starts. I'm pretty bad at things as well. I haven't made a giant effort to stay in touch with people.

I don't even know why I write in this thing. My life feels so different from day to day even though I do the same things over and over. I can't believe tomorrow is Wednesday. I can't believe this week is almost over. Sometimes I feel like I'm in spiritual shell-shock. I just wish God would start blessing me. I'm tired of waiting for things, and I really want to get on with my life.

I dont even know what I'm saying. I don't even know what "blessing" means. I'm dissatisfied with existence in a big way. What would I say to God if I saw him face to face. If I saw him on Sunday, I would have swung at him, and he damn well knows it; I told him as much.

Sunday was a BAD day for me. I went to my room to try and write and the next thing I know I'm back to thinking about hom much hurt God brought down on me the last few years. Boy, I was mad.

Dude, I don't even feel like remebering this. I'm so sick of God. I wish he would just do whatever the hell he's trying so I can be normal again.

All this dissatisfaction brings something to question. What would actually satisfy me? I want to be done with school so I can get started with all of the rest of things that I want to do. I just want to do one thing. I'm moving up in the ranks at my job and that's cool, but I want so bad to simply be able to do one or the other: school, or the professional world. Just one or the other...

My mind immediately goes back to the injustice in all this. I am capable of going the distance academically, but the world and circumstances just won't let me. I'm tired of god screwing with my plans too. Man, ever since I let that guy in my life he's screwed with it.

I'm so tired of hating my life, and I'm even more tired of starting every reflective thought with, "I'm so tired of..." My like sucks ass. The problem is I REALLY don't want to be a teacher, but what am I going to do with a Linguistics degree unless I want to go to Grad School? I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE FOR A TEACHING DEGREE!!!!!!!!! I feel like the whole world in pressuring into deciding for one or the other. The only reason I would get a teaching degree is because it's such a utilitarian degree

Dude, I'm done. I'm defeated. I no no no NO NO NO NO!!!!! I'M NOT DONE! Fuck this. I'm going to finish my shit because I can and because it would be a waste for me not to! I can do good things for people, and I can finish my degrees. It's common knowledge by now that no one's getting in line to give me a hand out or a hand up. Fuck, not even god is reaching out to give me one of those even when he says he's supposed to. no... I know god cares, or at least I'm so committed to the idea that I can't or won't think of anything else. If God isn't helping me, then I truly have nothing, and that isn't a place I want to go. Yeah, things are hard, and really, no one is rooting me on. It seems like a bunch of shit that I want to get these degrees for him... well do I? Which ones are for him? I don't know. That's why I'm going to Urbana.

I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. I just wish someone would help me. And I just wish I would stop losing battles. I'm still, as ever, an emotional wreck.